WTF does she do on her s[are time

To melt in joy at the sound of a spirit
with an idea represented in flesh.
To croon the victory of the rustiest mailbox
your voice is often satin sometimes mesh.

The billowy power of the deepest clarinet,
the oceanesque rhythm of your strum.
The rain, the alarm clock keep a beat
no need for a drum.

This is Not an Identity Crisis
this is just an identity.
Let the fog roll out of a brain
embrace- what is called clarity.

2ND PLACE !!!!!

 I think we won by fluke, our scores are as follows...

Game 1: 2-9
Game 2: 5-12
Game 3: 7-6
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Semi finals: 10-9
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Finals: 5-8

But yahh that was a blast! 
Thanks for the fun time guys! :)

I know I'm not ready to see sparklehorse live when I continue to tear up at every live video I see, I stop
 breathing when listening to inteveiws, the same albums I've played weekly or daily since middle school still give me shivers.  Maybe I should just let my guard down and bawl my eyes out in pure joy in public.

i switched lanes on a small freeway today.. sounds like nothing but right now that's big for meee :O

EDIT:
for some reason part of me really wants to delete this post.

I had to drop my brother off at school today at 1 and I didn't have class until 3 so I got some lunch, found an old half read book in my backpack and finished it. I started relating with/finding interest in some of the things I read and i flipped to my notebook and wrote this down:

I came across this quote "It felt exactly the same as when you break up with a woman you love- the sick feeling in the stomach, the knowledge that nothing you can say will make any fucking difference for any longer than, like, five minutes." After reading that I was confused for a minute.. why would a man break up with a woman he still loves? Then I realized something for, no joke, the first time. I realized part of why there's so much hurt and confusion in break ups. (This is a generalization about what women think so stay with me here.) A woman doesn't believe a man can love her and break up with her, not disbelief in a crazy untrusting way but disbelief in that it makes no sense what so ever to her it's hard to even fathom it's unreasonable. She thinks "if he really loved me, he'd stay with me." A man needs more then solely love in a relationship though. A woman spends all of her energy and sometimes most of her life trying to find out exactly what it is that he needs. (We're not talking about something as simple and primitive as just sex.) In truth though, it's something she cannot provide; she doesn't have the answer. It's just about meeting the right person at the right time. It's all about luck really. When you're both satisfied with yourselves. Trouble is most people never acheive that. A woman loves a man based on who he could be. A man loves a woman based on who she is.

I say what I feel in here, rational or not. even if it makes no sense at all or is completely unreasonable. Not trying to discredit what I say in here, just keep in mind I don't act as insane as I sound. (haha)

Sending out postcards as soon as I get stamps. waiting til Monday since that's when the price goes up. I want to buy a booklet at least so I didn't want to have to rush to use them all in less than a week.

My entries need more [literal] color, no? let me plug in my scanner and get some photos on up here.

Hollis I haven't seen you online but thank you so much for the AOC book. I wanted it for a long time then completely forgot about it. it's incredible. I kind of use it with the "bible technique" where i think about something close my eyes, flip to a page and see if the words on the page speak to me. Is that a little blasphemast? Is that a word?

I need new jeans. I lost some weight and my fave blue ones are all saggy in the butt. the black ones shrunk in the wash so they fit fine but my brown ones are pretty big in the waist. nothing a belt can't help. need new 'fave' blue jeans though. eh, i'll prob wear these til they rip everywhere like all the other ones. We all know my ass aint saggy in real life lolol.

what am i gunna do with my liiiiifeeeeeeeeeeeeeee jenna are u in seatlle?

show me a man who sees his woman as freedom and I'll show you what I don't have. Independence is relative and you'll never really have it. Even after you search every empty bottle, dirty vagina, and rebellious act you can find. You won't find happiness anywhere else, at least that's what I'd like you to believe. Sometimes I want to be selfish, for what feels like once in a lifetime and stand up and scream with lungs and vocal chords far greater than mine: YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE. YOU DON'T WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T. and I want it to be true. Every single time I lose another thing or person I look up to the sky with a plea in my eyes as if to say "really? are you serious? is it possible to be that cruel?" How much more will I lose before I gain, i got to be honest there's not much left in me. When people ask me what I want out of life I cock my head and smile. I glance innocently upwards like I'm actually thinking about it and finally talk about some bs like 'well hmm a degree in this would be great wouldn't it? A career path involving that." Ok yeah fine, i have my own mind i have my own wants i have my own goals. I'm actually productive and interesting, I'm not a boring peice of shit, but still, more than anything nothing will change I just want a love who will never leave. For the first time I am realizing how ridiculous that sounds. I don't think I'm better, I just always thought that everyone loved in the same way I do: sacrificially, unconditionally, purely. It isn't like that at all though. For everyone else i've met, love has been a selfish pleasure then when the honeymoon phase ends it becomes a burden, and on some level an obligation. Something in the way of their happiness instead of the cause of it or contributor to it. For once I want someone else to be the one making the sacrifice. I want you to stay with me for always and not let me hurt anymore even if it cuts into your precious shananigans. That's so pathetic. That's so selfish and unreasonable. I have ridiculous fairy tale expectations and they'll never come true. No one is that incredible. No one cares that much about anyone anymore.. Show me someone who's given up and i'll punch the mirror into pieces.

I've been driving a fair amount lately. I'm finally overcoming my anxiety and just doing it. My grandma bought a car from my cousin and gave it to me. It's a 1998 lexus and i looove it. It aparently had a ton of paint damage but she got it all painted jet black for me which was incredibly unnecessary and completely nice. It's sweet because my cousin (well cousin in law) that she bought it from is 4'11 and i'm 5'1 so it's a car a smaller person can definitly feel comfortable in. Most other cars I've driven I'm barely able to reach the gas and break and I can't see over the dash very well no matter how far i pump the seat up and forward. This car is pretty good about that though.

I want to get a job here on the days I'm not in school because I need to be able to pay back my grandma n insurance and everything, plus I want to save up enough to move. I've been thinking a lot lately about moving south of san mateo and attending foothill. I would LOVE to  move to palo alto but it's very expensive so maybe i could settle for redwood city or something. I'll need roommates though, anyone interested? The problem is if I'm moving in a month is it reasonable to get a job now and get comfortable with it during a month just to bail. Perhaps I can find a chain like cost plus and transfer. Yeah, that'd be my best bet I believe.

I've got to do 2 midterms due at midnight as soon as I stop procrastinating. so let me continue..

There's a tea shop downtown here that I really like. It has bubble tea but it's never as sugary or sweet as tapex. Soooooo good. and pretty quaint/quirky.

OHHHHHH
that's how i lost them all and was confused about it. They were displeased with it so i tried to make them happy, they got more frustrated so i tried harder, and more so and more so until they left and didn't let their confliction stand in their way. I didn't understand.. how i could give everything i had, break my own limits to try and conjure some sort of happiness in them not only to no avail but to a complete backfire? I see it now, thanks to our convo. you can't help others til you help yourself. I needed to make myself happy so they could feel free. so i could feel free. I know every person, every circumstance is different. I feel my confidence renewed. Maybe this will keep them this time, maybe not. Either way i win.

i get my baby and my freedom, or i just get my freedom.

(of course I hope for the former, but I)
can't lose
neither can he.

It wasn't over for me, it still isn't over!

Have you ever found someone you just knew you were meant for?

Behind every great love is a story.

I <3 X 10000

i miss you

Scene 1 memorized!
Yesss :)
This is death lol but im soo pumped.
Was a long weekend, and was it ever long. It dragged on. Which isnt nessasarily a bad thing :)
I have created some jerseys for copper cup, im half done. Yay for "Des and the Seven Dwarfs"
Arg, my face is retardidly itchy.
well , Im exhausted. Ciao!

iron man is the best. the end.

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I had a dream about you last night. It was nice to kiss you again. ....i always liked your kisses.
I dont know why, but I hope youre happy and I hope you are doing well. I really do wish you the best.

you tricked me good, you trickster.

i might miss you today, i might have missed you last night. *sigh*

it's so weird not to like anyone

 Fcking bitch tit ass mother fkcer

That is the best insult ive heard by far hahah :P
Good ole halo :)

Beltane

I just found out from my mom that my grandma is planning on keeping the car she was going to give to me. GG

I'm not going to san mateo til tomorrow cause nick has a lot of homework that will apparently take up the whole day and night. GG

I only have a one way ticket cause i guess my mom was planning on coming down and  we were going to drive the car i was going to get back up to oregon so now i don't know how I am getting back. GG

mom has been very annoying today

overall, today is a shitstorm.

EDIT ----------------------------------------------

it's really not that bad.
can't wait for this weekend going out to dinner for nicks bday with his fam and watching a couple of movies i've been looking forward to.

If he remains himself and is kind to me especially while moving and living in the new apt I have a chance of remaining sane haha. But if he does the weird robot/dickish/rude distancey thing to me that he did a couple of weeks ago before i visited..I'm not having any of it. I can't deal with that at all, it's not humane to treat someone like that and make them feel that way.

anyway though. this weekend will be good. I found a bike i LOVE on craigslist but its hella expensiiiive. I wanna go check it out though. It's really hard to find small framed bikes! All i am seeing is 52 at smallest. Ideally i would go for a 48 or 50, but i can deal with it cause this bike is so sweeeeet.

today = yoga, hour of library veggage, poetry, coming home and doing some laundry and packing up for my 7am flight tomorrow morning. I hope nick wants to pick me up at 8:30am.. even though it's his b-day :\ we'll see.

"Oh Man!" is all i have to say.