This Is What Life Is Made For?

&&& Thats what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:23:53 GMT

Silent as snowfall,
I whisper goodbyes:

The wolf and the lion
have asked me to play
'though she told me not to,
I went anyway
A pile of matches,
the truth at my feet,

The cream in my tea
Spells out something to me
and they say that I'll heal by the day
But the message I give
kills off all will to live
I'm afraid that I'm losing my way
Burning in heaven,
my destiny lies,
When she read my stars,
She didn't mention that night.

I loved you my Bambi,
I don't want to leave,

&&& This is news?

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:21:26 GMT

Everyone Leaves. Get over it.

&&& I don't know what to say.. Just La La La La La

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:28:36 GMT

Hey there!.. So i'm just sitting here in communications. Writign emails when i should be doing my hoemwork.. that i have so much of.. im gonna liek drown in it.. hhaa.. so my wekend is pretty damn busy for once haha.. big surprise.. not sure exactly hwo its gonan work but i'll figure it out.. So i missed a quiz today in marketing and i toatlly failed my media test.. my scholl stuff is completely going down hill. bah i dont know what i'm gonna do.. haha.. so i got a hair cut.. got bangs now it looks soo hott!:P Lately i've been sick alot.. haha.. and i 've been goign for liek 6 hour wlaks everyday .. really been workign out... been sitting at the park on the swings alot.. a few weeks ago i slept at nets place it was fun we just got drunk and listened to some tunes went over the good ol'past.. yup.. and then i've been going to emgans every lunch lately.. excpet to day i hug out with miek and them.. Me and meagsn went swimmign at the beach alot lately hahaha:P were dumb.. and i almosyt ate a god damn spider ugh!!! it feask me rigth out.. totally nasty shit right there:P..

thinsg in the guy world are same old confusing problemed bullshit ahah:P.. i am goign to see prom night tonight i cant wait its gonna be aweosme.. well i shoudl probably get going i will post later:)Eww parenting is next.. yay:(

&&& The Secret Is Out

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:12:33 GMT

There are so many questions i live with unanswered. My head and my heart both want the truth, but still i can't find the strength or courage to ask. Everynight my head replays everything and i come up with the perfect wording to get the answers iv'e been looking for. Yet what stops me? I've had the oppurtunities, but my head will not allow me to say it. My heart knows what it wants to know, and so does my head, and here i am going over it all over again. I need to just get it out. Then i will feel like i truly can move on from this life. I would be able to start over. I need to know. I thought i had already overcome this feeling. I had already beleived that i had cleansed myself for my stupidity in beleiveing in you. I was obviously wrong because here i am again. Same thoughts, Same confusion with only one difference i don't believe in you anymore.

&&& Who are you

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:07:03 GMT

What am I doing with my life? How is this a life at all? Why do I keep believing the pain will go away. It will never go away. All it does is slowly fade away and hide until one day it will return again. It is never truly gone it’s always with me. Every move, every breath brings me that much closer to an undeniable fate. Maybe this just isn’t my scene. Maybe my future is meant to be spent alone. No matter what I do or say everyone leaves. Sooner or later I will be joining them and I will leave someone behind. How can people live like this. There is pain everywhere you go. I don’t want to be apart of this world, this fate. I will find my escape. I must.

&&& blahbahdyblahblah blah

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:26:32 GMT

Hey there all:) What is up? haha... So0o0o0o0o.... tommorow im supposed to go to the movies with des and david.. shall be interesting. I dont really have anything to write lol.. my day hes been pretty regular and boring. Hmph.. marketign next how homosexual.

&&&DeeeaAaThhhh!!!!

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:50:14 GMT

So i am seriously ready to stab something or someone preferably myself. I am so very irritated today i would liek to scream. I'm hungry, tired, i want to know my marks, i have so much homework and im so pissed off at having substitutes because everytime i get one my mark in that class seems to drop like 10 % in a fuckign week. I don't even want to know how much my mark is gonna drop in parenting .. We've had that sub for 2 weeks now and when it comes to marking our work shes a dumb bimbo. Gah just kill me.

More stressfulness is that i really want to get a job btu have to wait for my damn bc which isnt here yet so that i can get a SIN number and then make a resume to get a job. how horrible is that, then i really need to get the money and study for a drivers liscense test. I have so much on my plate rigth now i just dont knwo what to do.

In other "ness" me and brayden are putting our money toegther to get al rockband for his b-day/x-mas gift. then i am also savign my money and im goign to sudz soon with des and al. Thwen after that i ahev to save my mooney for braydens b-day/x-mas present. Theer is so much i want to buy myself also and i will never be able to so much stuff just keeps comgin up...

Also my steopdad is probably moving to suds and gettiing a job there btu im staying here. :) alone:(.. lol its gonna be very depressing. oh'well thougt we will eb making ore moeny at least.

p.s. my marks

communications= 77%
Parenting = ???
Marketing= went from an 86% to a 73% in a week
media= 80%. <---how depressing is that. It's the one class i've worked my ass off in. I personally beleive it shoudl be higher

&&&Lyrics

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:57:23 GMT

Well all I wanted was a hand to hold me down
To keep the sky from swallowing me up
And all I ever needed was someone to come around
And tell me that I suffered long enough

So take me away
Find me a home
Im on my way

Well all I ever wanted was a place to store my faith
I thought that I could keep it locked away
It burns my eyes to look at him
And see the truth inside
And so Ive turned my broken face away

Shut Up! You Don’t Love Me Baby.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:23:32 GMT

As I sit here I am nothing but an empty shell. There’s this hollow place deep inside me that still stays there incomplete. The feeling that once was there is now missing. This feeling I have follows me everywhere. The only way I feel I have control of my life is by running away when things get tough, to my safe place. It’s not much of one, but it will do for now.

&&& Fuck you

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:19:14 GMT

My Mom is a dumb *B*I*T*C*H* :@

&&& Are You A Good Flirt?

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:25:51 GMT

Hello All, so i'm just in media. Reading time just ended. My marketign class has the HOTTEST t-cher EVER!! haha he rocks my socks:) Should heard me going on abotu him in class with amy it was hilarious. By the way did any of you know that Amy just might slightly be incest! hahaha jk amy.. lmao.. it was funny. She thought he was hott and then found out he is her distant cousin!!! haha.. If onyl he had a brother:P jk jk.. slightly:):P;) haha.. Soo im not exactly sure whats goign on today.. I know that my stepdad is spending one or two nights in sudbury and im stuck here. Lol.. I have so much crap to do tonight.. I don't think im gonna get to it all. I have volunteer hours agian from 4:30 till 8:30 tonight and tommorow. I decided not to do the fashion show.. I'm too chicken for that crap. lol.. Hmm well i got to get doing my media projecvt i have so much to do for all my classes.. Im dying. I don't know how im gonna survive when i have a job also. Geash..

p.s. I've found out that im stuck in school for an extra year if i want to be a psychologist. Its pretty much my only option though bexcasue i dont liek anything else and im nto exactly giod at anything.:(.. but yeah.. its cool but shitty at the same time.Well Byebye all.:)

he says he looks in the mirror
and he can't tell anymore
who he really is and who they believe him to be
and he says he walks a thin line
between what is and what could be
and he's getting closer
to something he can't understand

cause there's a crack in his plastic crown
and his throne of ice is melting
he climbed his ladder
there was nothing there
now it's a long way down

cause on and on and on he goes
dancing on the grave
of what he thought was still alive
and on and on and on he goes
dancing in mansions made of twigs
and castles made of sand

he says his head is filled with
cartoons and fairy tales
and he's trapped inside a dungeon of dolls
with smiles on their faces
he's built a pretty cage
his show's on a beautiful stage
with candy coated prison bars
and chains that look like jewelry

&&& Would You Like To Try?

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:23:26 GMT

Hey there all, So last night i was super tired from doing my community hours and stuff... I had to give away free cat and dog food away. May not sound like much but carryign those heavy boxes really is a good workout. We had to carry them all out and then half of them back in and then at the end we had to do that all over again. Tonight i'm in that stupid fashion show. I'm not looking forward to it because im so shy and all the other girls my age i don't associate with such as Natasha Penn, Shanasy?, Calita?, Danika, and Dixie. But Emily will be theer watching so it won't be as weird. Hmm...I stil have to find an outift and such... Anywho i think i did well on my test in marketign yesterday... Umm i still haev a lot of homework i need to get done oevr the weekend. Tommorow night after community hours i;m supposed to go to davids to hang out with amy and them... Not really sure exactly whats going on that night but whateva.

So i don't have very much to say so ill tty'all later. Byebye

&&& Where'd You Go....

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:24:33 GMT

Don't mind below i just love those lyrics and i thought while im on here i might as well share them all with you.. They make me happy haha... Or sad.. whatever way you want to look at it.. haha.. hmm soo i've got commuinity hours after school and it's death becasue id liek to just go home cause i had to get ready so fast this mornign atht i'm just feeling so gross. lol.. hmm .. i need ot liek do my hair, make=-up and shit.. hemph.. Last night i spent the whoel night doing my homeowrk for communications and forgot abotu my test today and my marketoign homeowrk so i had to wing the test and do my hromwork when i got to school.. it was spastic....well yeah .. i don't really ahve anything else so i'll be getting going.. byebye(L)

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

---------------------------------------------------

Anger cage

Since the day that I was born
I've been a prisoner of the storm
But the time has come
Now I've had enough
I can't take it anymore
The blood rushes to my head
You deserve everything you get
The love is gone
And there's nothing left here
But the love you try to hate
Tell me now who's to blame?
Will I burst from your rage?
Hear it calling my name
Down in your anger cage
On the course of the fightin?
Force my rage out of iron
Well do you stop and look at me
As you bomb the enemy
You know that you've
Crossed the line for the last time
When you trampled over me
The blood rushes to my head
You deserve everything you get
Don't care what you say
I don't give a damn
You talk about me
But you don't know who I am

&&& I Got Alot To Say To You, Yeah I Got A Lot To Say.

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:11:15 GMT

Hello, Bonjour! So i'm just in communications right now listenign to music and shit. I finished doing my parenting descion making assignment and my 2 for marketing. I strill have so much homework to catch up on. It's death. I'm not lookign forard to grade 12 i'm gonna fricking die. Lmao.. So I'm super tired right now. Ace has gotten back into his old habits of wakign me up at 3, 4, 6, and 7:15 in the morning. He just comes in and starts scratching my face and trying to get under the blankets so he can cuddle with me. It's sio cute and feel bad but i'd liek to kill him haha... you have no idea. he doent mean to scratch my face he just sortah does.

Hmm so it's lunch soon.. I'm not quite sure what i'm doing i'd liek to just go to the library and work you know. But sometiems im just not in that work ahbit mood. I barely ever am.. It's liek i have to start and be half done an assignment and then i'm very focused on finishign all of my work. We just got this huge ass assingment for parenting it shall be the reason for my death. haha.

Soo anyway.. Umm things are giogn pretty well these days:). My mom and my dad were in a car accident whoch is kinda depressing but all is godo they lived and veerything.. Except my dad has somehtign life threatening going on which is very sad making. But other than that im feelign pretty okay these days. Last night me and brayden went to his ploace for a bit and then went to my hsoue and watched soem t.v. and stuff. One tree Hill wa son and i was soo pumped it wasnt what i expected from teh commercail but it was still good. I hate peyton soo much and i loved lindsay but i still kinda hpe that him and peyton get together. Just because it's an epic lovestory and shit and they are just its cute when its soebody who has so much highscholl history with ... hemph..

Then again happy endings never work:@ bitches, haha,... anyway.. i hate that nanny bitch im gonna kill her:@. lmao... Hmm.. anywhoozyl... Class is over in 15minutes. i have a four page assignment thing due soon for cumminications whichs reallly freakign sucjks i am like drwonign in my homwork. I hope that after lunch me des,amy and brayden get our fuckign seats for media .. god that class pisses me off. and i hat emrs.miller she bitches at me 24/7 in class its soo irritatiing liek shut up. hha. she's very controllign and abotu hrself. haha.:@:@.Well then i guess i'm gonna get goign i dont really have nything else much to say.. soo ttyl.

&&& For Once I Wish I Was Invisible Again.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:51:50 GMT

Is it so wrong of em to just want to be left alone. I? havent done anythign wrong towards him or her, Or there friends. I just want to live my life again as normal. I love brayden not him so leave me alone already you think they'd understand that. I'm not stupid. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. But he cant fool me a third. I fell got myself hurt real bad and i stood up and im fine i'm over it. But gettign constantly herrassed form everyone abtou it is egttign ridiculous. I dont talk to him, look at him and i had no problems againts him .. well i didn't until now. I had no problems with ehr either until now. Now i just want everyone to stop herrasing me and leave me alone. I'm over it so what you say doenst bug me. But i would like to just not have them say that shit to me. Like quote "ewwww" whats your problem grow up!... God!. I never thought when i datd him that eh would become such a immature ass. But looks can be deceiving. Whatever.... Anyway.. on a better note.

I got my 3 community hours apprioved and i get to get some more on thursayd which is cool. :) Me and brayden are doing ebtter from what i can tell . And i loves him. yupp. Hmm... The other night i slept at des's house. WE stayed up pretty late. Hmm... Well i don't really have much else to say so beybye.

&&& I'm Sorry, But This Is My Fate.

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:57:07 GMT

Hello A ll, So It's been a while since iv'e written exactly 11 days. This won't be too long because class is almost over. So i'm really pumped for our culminating assignment in media studies. Hopefully he sticks with what he said. I really want to do a magazine. I've got so many different ideas that i could do to pinp it out:). It's exciting i just hope he gives it to us early so that i have alot of time to finish it. In order for me to do somehting like that well i need alot of time to get ready for it. I have alot of homework that i was supposed to do over the break that i didnt. Not to mention i was sick for the last week of school so i missed that also. It's deprerssing. I got some community hours also and im gettign more on the 20th well i have to go now ttyl(L)

&&& everyday we become more like eachother

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:25:10 GMT

hello all So i'm now in recovery from the worst flu iv'e ever had. It was quite horrible but lets not talk about that. So does anybody ever kind of get tired of doing the same thing everyday? Iv'e had a lot of time lounging around at home sick just thinking about everything. Everyday is like the same routine over and over again repeatedly. It also got me realizing how much people rub off on another. Not only do we pass on our sickness's but our hobbies, sayings, things like that. Doesn't anyoen ever just want to be original. I used to be so original and then now it's all gone. Everything that made me original has lost its pizazz because everyone can do it now.. Not only can they do what i once did but now they do it better. No matter how hard i try i am always coming in last. It doesn't seem to matter what anybody tells me anymore because it still feels the same. I just want to know what i can do that others cant? I'm used to livign my life in a way that it was my own thing but with everything its become impossible. I guess now im just "amber" plain amber with no goals, no hobbies, just a big web of mistakes.

&&& I Wanna Be Somebody Else.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:56:54 GMT

Hello All, so i don't really have anything to say.. I guess i just need someone to talk to.. you know?.. And since there's not really anybody real to go to i guess i'll just talk to you... I feel distant these days from everything.. I feel like my life.. isn't really mine... I guess it's just because i neevr pictured my life turning out this way.. I Pictured something a little more graceful and happy. Thats what i get for beleiveing in fairy tales eh?. Iv'e come to concluson that all fairy tales lie. anyway.. There's just so much goign on in my head it's hard to sort through. I can no longer sort through the difference between what my heart is telling me to do or my head.. And when it's really my choice. People have alwasy been aroudn tellign me what to do and i always followed them and then i stopped and i didnt hang out with them and more but i was just happy with my bf but when i lost him it's liek i had to start over.. Only i didn''t get a clean slate.. It's just so hard for me to fit in these days.. Anyway.. i'm just gonna go now.. I'll write again soon. Byebye

&&& Goodbye I'll Miss You.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:21:42 GMT

Hmm so my frickin glasses broke yeterday and im blind as hell . Lol i can't take it everything is soo blurry itslike killing my eyeballs. I have a headache now too., People keep talkign to em and i have no idea who they are at first it's so weird. Anyway in other news i have community hours comign up and ive invited a few friends to help... I have none at all yet but im hoping to get some soon. I'm not so sure why i tried to get other people soem seeing as they never do stuff liek thet for me.. but what the hell. lol ... so yesterday i had a parentign test and i studied my ass off it was soo difficult but all in all i think i did pretty well mayb not like 80% well but oh well i tried right?

Me and al havent been gettign along at all lately ... we got in liek 6 fights in the past 2 days. I hate it soo much... And everytime i start talkign to my mom again liek she was actually my mother me and al get in a fight and tehn i go back to hating her again.. Because she couldnt handle him doing that to her so she moved out and then she got bck together with my dad and left me with him.. Wth is that about?!?.....I know al is tryign and he denst ahve to have me life with him and stuff i just cant tsnd his temper.. it drives me crazy.. and liek hes all snappy.. and everything has to b his way.. like when im taking a shower i have to get out righ away if he has to go to the bathroom becasue he punches and screams through the door. and then when hes in its all oh well you can wait another 10-15 minutes....grr:@:@.. so frustrating.

Well i have soooo much homework to do these days and i have another test coming up .. it freaking sucks and im soo behind on my homework. i have no idea what im gonna do... next year is gonna be worse also... Hmm i cant wait till school is over and i get to move out.. i've been thinkign abotu movign in wiht my mom at the end of the summer. but now im not so sure.. i'll have to think abotu iot.. mostly because of the location my mom lives in and the fact that i cant tell al that i want to do that it feels so .. mean:(... and like my mom and dad are always so focused on my little sister nothing will be right... so i'll probably stay a little longer.. but i cant wait to leave,..

Anyway this is too a certain someone.. you know who you are... .. I'll Miss you(L). Alot.. i hope you have a good life and im sooo very proud of you.. but through all your success and love .. please don't forget about me. (F)...

Hmm so thats all i have to say im gonna get going on soem of my work now.. i'll talk to you all some other time.. Aurevoir(L)

So Here's My Goodbye No One Will Cry Over Me...I'm Not Worth Any Tears.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:03:45 GMT

Hey there so its been a while since ive written... lots has happened.. but i don't really want to talk about it all. lol.. I'm Only writing this for Des(L). hope your happy lol

So school is pretty crappy these days my marks are high enough for the amount of work we've done and everything but i'm still freakign out abotu it lol.. umm i have a parenting test tommorrow and i have to study tonight like crazy i studied all day today and some last ngiht too .... So here are my marks throughout all of highschool

Grade 9

Art 79
Geography 81
French 82
Math (Summer School) 51
Gym 88
Science 62
Tech 74

Failed
English 31
Math 45

Grade 10
Buisness 52
History 70
Civics(Summer School) 51
English 84
English 63
Careers 74
Math 76
Art 66

Failed
Civics 41
Science 29

Grade 11
English 71
Social Sciences 75
Math 80
Science 80

Yup thats about it.. hmm so here is a picture i made last night. I was truly very bored and had nothing to do.

well i am just not happy.. . there are alot of reasons why i feel this way.. it just sucks.. i m starting to feel like an outcast again. not like i ever wasnt one during highschool.. hmm i dont know things are turning out just like i predicted. ... well i guess im gonna go now i have to tinkle.. haha.. and im bored so.. you know how it is.. well.. goodnight...

Let me be the one to call you baby all the time.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 06:08:32 GMT

hey so im really tired and i cant sleep whatsoever t'is death. Today i hun out with michael and it was fun. we wtached good luck chuck, and cars. I did my laundry adn foy and ball showed up for a little while. Then tonight me and michael went to subway and just hugn out and talked it was great. Then we came back to my house and came up with plans for tommroow. I can't wiat its gonna be fun. :).

So i dont know about things with me and brayden right now. Im trying so hard to make myself beelieve things are okay arigth now and things are gonan work out. The thing is that i dont beleive that. honestly i just dont. I dont think we communicate with eachother rigth and we just dont mesh hha. It's not that hes abd boyfriend or anything i guess we just have different perspectives on relationships and stuff. Im just so streessed out these days and i need my fireends and stuff.

I dont want us to break up but i feel as though we have no choice. Wit the way things are goign right now its just nto workign out. WE started off dating and we were so happy thinsg were great but than over tiem things just changed and i need t be more independent and stuff. I donnt know. I'm trying thats all that matters right?.

I dont even know what im gonna do if soemthign happend with us. I guess whe that tiem cimes ill figureit out. Lmao. Not so fun but w.e. i guess let nature take its course. If anyhign doe shappen i just need to remind myself that its not the end of the world and i will make it thorugh this crap becasu eim strong.

It makes it alot easier when break ups happen and i hae my firends askign me to hang out and stuff.. That way i dont feel so alone in it you know?. It makes things harder and as if ive lost everything. I'd be okay if we didnt have school an stuff becasue i find school makes my life so complicated.

Im just excited that tommroow michael is taking me and des to Blind River. We are gonna take a bazillion pictures.! yeah thats rigth bitches aha..I just think it will help me out alot to get out of this town even if its just for a fewhours. Its like throwing away all my responsibilities and problesm for a while. Ill finally be able to breathe again.

Gosh i didnt htink i had so much to say.. and i have so much more but i thinkthats enough for tonight . i woudl write more but my stepdad is sleepign on the couch and i type fast and loud so i feel bad haha. WEll nighty night all ..Take a peek at the new dp's i made:).

some of them might be hard to read becasue of the size this lj make sthem

This picture says there's just something about him that grabs at my heart<3
And Makes Me hurt that i cant have him </3

Hundreds Of Miles Yeah You Cry Like A Baby.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 22:15:10 GMT

Hello all. So i don't really know what to say. All i can say is that my life has taken 100 wrong turns and now im in a rut. I just don't really know what do anymore. I'm tired of wasting my energy fighting people and trying to keep myself together but at the same time i feel like i have to. I just want to give up. Especailly lately...There is just so much going on and i can't handle it. Im soo Stressed out i could just die. My relationship is going straight to hell. Im trying so hard to keep the friends that i still have. I'm starting to have trouble dealign wiht the fact that both my parents left me here to rott. You'd think that if i meant that much to them they would move here to be with me. But obviously they don't. My exams are so stressful for me too. I've been workign my ass off all semester and i feel like it doesn't even matter. I feel liek when i get my exams over with i did all that work for ntohing cause i still get shitty marks. I'm just not smart. I've even decided that i want to go to college. Thats a big difference and yet i feel like there's something missing. What' the point in trying to become successful if i'm just gonna die anyway lmao. Not to mention college is a scary place and who knows how much more i'm going to change and who i'm going to lose along the way. I dunno I Just feel blah these days. At the same time i feel pretty content with who i am. Just not so much with the way my life is. Right now it's not that big of a deal though because i just sortah feel numb. And when the numbness goes away i'll probably break down and fall apart and no one will be around to help me back up. I guess that could partly be my fault to in a way but at the same time not so much. It's almost impossible to make everyone happy i guess. Hmph. Relationships are so hard. I don't know why i bother. I wrote my dream in an interpreter thing and it told me that the relationship i have now resembles one i once had and that its trying to warn me that i need to take into account what happened last time before i make a huge mistake. Big surprise there lol. I beleive dreams mean something. So yay. lol... I'm so not looking forward to next semester it's gonna be so freaking stressful. Don't even know what im gonna do . I'm not even sure what im doing right now. Ugh and i still have 2 exams next week. Just freaking lovely. So Much is gonna happen between now and that time i know it. Me and Brayden are still in a fight.. It's been like 4-5 days now. I Havent hung out with him in like forever also caus eof our fight. Everytime we do talk during that time we get in a huge fight about the same thing again. I actually almost broke up with him a few days ago i told him it was over because i was so stressed out and just didnt know what to do. But i took it back kinda. He asked if i meant it and i just said i meant it at the time but i dont mean it now. It's just i've had the past few days to think about everything and i just don't beleive anything is gonna chnage.. even my mom said that if a relationship starts off bad it'll end bad.. but i mena ive had 2 great relationships and they both ended crappily. Sure the second one was kinda my fault but i was just being truthful abotu how i felt. The first one i had no control over i guess it was the amount of time we were together and we didnt start off together in highschool and people chnage when they get into highschool. And iv'e finally come to terms and excepted that. But now i just need to search for another purpose for my life. I Just feel numb.. but hurt. it's weird. But it's like i've cried so much that i can't anymore.. Theres nothign left.. i never knew that was possible haha. Anyway i think this is long enough i'm gonna go do soemthing. i might be going to des's later. Not exactly posotive yet. Well Byebye.

The Clock Is Stuck On Memories Of Us.

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:20:32 GMT

You were my first slow dance
Thouht that we had a chance
But together it was too hard for you
Hanging out with your friends
And I accepted things
All I need is for you to be true
I know you care
But it's just not fair
When you're not around I want you there
And I need you to stop breaking my heart...
Quit breaking my heart
It's tearing apart
All I need is for you to be true
Quit breaking my heart
It's tearing us apart
Baby quit breaking my heart
Baby I don't feel this way about everyone
Something about you boy
Nothing seems to be quite like this
Holding your hand
Touching my face
Standing here waiting for our first kiss
I know you care
But it's just not fair

?What happened to the i love you's, the hugs and kisses and the rendevouz.?

It hurts so much
I want to tell you I changed for you
But I don't know what to say or do
We grew apart but I still want you in my heart
I believe it's time to make a new start
Could it be that all along
I was so wrong
When I realized and turned around and you were gone

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 02:46:09 GMT

oh gosh i don teven know what to write. ... things are becoming more and more difficult each day. im not so sure how im supposed to deal any more. People keep sayign that life gets beetter its gonna get easier. But i don't believe that. How does life get easier later on when we will have everythign we feel now, everything we've lost and are going to lose and have to hold a job, go to college get a career and then settle down with osmeone you love?. Also when you've been hurt beyond repair by one boy how are you supposed to move on and completely let someone new in?. Especailly enough to spend your lives together. I can't deal with this life. There are so many things going on in my head. half of it i cant even write down. well anyway i shoulf get going. night night.

p.s. exams this week. whoopie. not

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:07:45 GMT

so im still awake havent even got a second of sleep yet. dont think i will. probably getting ready for school soon.. umm its just im sad... all the time. and i just feel distant from my life. From everyone cause this wasnt the way my life was supposed to turn out. i dunno. Im just so unhappy lately...well ive always been but now i cant even sleep i can never close my eyes because ..well i just dont want to dream anymore. it probably makes no sence to you but it does to me.