Hey, So ive been very bored lately. Ive basically been up the entire time. I stay awake til about 6am and then i get up at 10am. I think one of these days its gonna kill me. The past while my life has basically just been falling apart, its going so slowly too. I wish that if its gonna break ity woudl just do it already. Im sick of waiting i guess thats why ive been acting this ay lately, trying to give it that extra push just to gte it over with. I cant handle it anymore. Ive been thinking i migth move in with my mother in Septemeber. Shes asked me afew times. Everytime i say no because well, i like elliot lake and i thought i had something worth stayign for. Over time ive been realising that every family member i have is dissapointed in me and upset with me in some way. It never used to bug me because i always said i have my friends adn they are my family. Lately as i slowly lost each one ive realised, I got nothing. some of my friends are levaign, some have left a logn time ago an di just didnt accept it, and the ones still here arent around very often. So i wonder if its worth staying, If i moved my mo would be Happy. I could find a job, spend time with her and my dad. Even though im not sure i want to join there stupidity. Im startign to feel like thats all ive got left. Liek its my last chance. Ive tried the leaving town thing beofre though and it never worked, so whos to say i can pull it off this time. And if i do go whose to say ill have aplace to come back to. Im surprised i did the first time. Im scared. Everything is unclear. Lately ive been feeling like im gonna go crazy . staying in al day... all of it. all my days bleed into another, and im a person who needs a purpoe and so fr im completely usless in life just a waste of space. I need a new goal somehtign to work for. Ive also concluded that truelove and all that crap- doesnt exist. Its basically impossible to have someone love you as much as you loev them or vice versa. Its just something disney created to give kids something to dream about and then fuck them over. Well there is one goo dthing that came from today, I'm broken. It's finally over.

Im sick of crying its all i do.

Lyrics...
Can you search down inside
Let go of your pride?
If I forget trying to win
And just let you in
I didn't travel this far
To watch it all fall apart
So give me your hand
And take a chance

so far this summer has had many ups and downs. Today and last ngiht must have been the worst days ever though. Im surrounded by idiots. Complete idiots. There is so much to say but im so not in the mood. All i know is gaw i could like kill things.  I mea seriously kill things. Ive never been so frustrated with certin people i my life. I could liek die. lol. I just want the next like month to just end. fuck my life lmao.  Amy has also become pro brayden :O shockkkkeeeddd. I am surprised with amy. for sure haha. Well anyway i wish i could talk abotu it all but ive bitched spo much about it i cant even stand to ehar myself say it anymore hah.  Byebye:)

So far its just been crazzzy retarded lol. The most i got to say is i graduated:) Which sue im roud of myself, but it left m thinking, i have nothing left now, i thought that would be good, but the dys go by much slower, and instead its like a a never ending bnad weekend. Nothing good has come form it so far and it's just lasted longer. Theres nto much difference. Anywa, i'ma go now. Ttyl.

So today before school ended we got our graduation gowns. I'm so amazed lol. I can't believe im graduating.. for real. Well hopefully anyway. If art doesnt fail me.  I got my updated mark today which is a 56 so hopfully my exam was good enoguh to at least pass the course. If not..:( I will be very depressed. But ill still be graduating this year which is cool . Anyay prom was interesting. Good and all. For the most part. I think that i was just too exhauseted for it is all. Everything i went through the weeks leading up to it.. just made it less important and special to me. Can it be possible to love something so much, but be able to let it go because you know things wold be better off. I'm so lost these days. Ive felt this weird feeling for a few months now. I dont know what to do. I'm so much in love, but so broken at the same time.  Im too afraid to let go because everytime i really think abotu letting go it kills me inside. But then when i think of whats going on it hurts just as badly. I dont know what to do. Its hard to talk abotu these things with people because its hard to explain what im feeling. all i know is that im just not happy with the way things are. I also feel liek all this trying to make things betetr is just maing things worse. Nothing is the way it should be right now.

It doenst help that i feel like.. He looks at me as a dissapointment... for oing soemthing good. I know that makes no sense. Its like my success isn't supposed o be happy and excitibng because he's not doing it too. It hurts sometimes to feel badly about doing something good. I just wish i could feel proud and he could be proud o me too. I guess things dont work that way. Anyway.. Life has been pretty good. I mean my situation and evrything still sucks as much as ever. I just try not to let it run my life. Things look down alot but it doenst mean you stop believign and trying. You llift yourself up, you cant count on others for that, you have to do it yourself. It;s so hard at first and all youw ant to do is give up.. ut i did it. I dont know how bu i did .. There ws so many time si just wanted to give up because everything just got so hard.. It was horrible.. but once you reach your goal you get to be proud of yourself, even if no one else is. Now i can be the one to say.. I did this. :) It was so difficult and i made it.

I miss my family sometimes, it gets hard for tht too. I mean my mom wasnt aroudn for anything.. she snt here to help me get ready for prom, she wasnt here to helop me through my boy troubles and those tough nights where life just snt worth living. I was on my own to deal with it and i had no guidance.. It was soo hard, but it made me stronger. Just sucks to knowthat this was her choice. My dad left when i was barely old enoguh to even notice.. and sometimes i still question whether or not he loves me at all. Its nto liek he ever calls to check up on me. He forgets my birthdays.. he was never the one to come down to see my important things liek school plays, or grade 8 grd, prom nothing.. I grew up knowing that though so it just seemed normal.. But now i feel it. Im just proud to know that even without them i coudl do it.

Dont get me wrogn i have always had al. But we had the toughest time with eachotehr all we did was bitcha nd fight nd we coudlnt get a long. We ate frozen dinners everynight and my bf was the ionly one to really take care of me and be there for me. Listen to me and help me through my problems maybe thats why i get so attatched. It could be why i cant stop beign friends with them afterwards.. Theyve doine so muchf or me how can you just treat them that way.. Youi know?.  I know i was lucky to get what i did form them. They made me stronger they helped me get to where i am.

Me and my sisters basiclaly hate eachotehr and have never gotten along.  i could care less though. I think i couldlive without them. how horrible is that. My heart is basically ice cold when it coems to family. My friends atre my family now. Tey wre there for me.. my family wasnt. Thats probably why i take my friends so seriously. UIts gonna suck when everyone moves and everything. but its gotta happen right. Hmm i dunno ive been kicked out so many times and uive moved back and forthj ive change schools ive been on my oewn basically. Its ncie to know i still ghad somwhere to come back o though. Now i just wonder if i will ever have the courage to leve agian. I hoep i do.. Because at the moment id like nothign better than to get outta this place.


Im lookign forward to all the plans we have for thi summer, i just hope i can scrape up the money to be able to do any of them.:( Its depressing. I'm so broke and in order to do these thinsg i can t exactly get a job now because ill never get the time off to do them. I hate this. But at leat after the summer i cn get back on track geta job and save up some fuckign moneya nd then i can buyall the things i want so badly right now.. Like a new straightener, some clotheing, bathign suit... go on trips and such.. :) Ugh.. shoppign with my firneds and stuff is fun but its really depressing when ou have no money to even be able to get anything.  Hmm well anyway im gonna get goign im basuically fallign asleep so nighty night,

So happy that I've been driving and shit lately and stuff its so fun and i may not be that good but. Holy adrenaline. Lmao i will get better. Hopefully anyway. So prom coming up.. thats... exciting?. I dont even know.  Prom after party thing is liek ruined now hopefully everything works out though and we get to go to amys again if not were screwed lol. Well nighty night.

 Hey so im at desirees rght now waiting for her and anth to be ready. We are going to get her G2 and hopefully my G1 if i actually pass. If i dont than it will suck major. Im gonna feel like such a douche bag. But oh well. Im very tired right now.. And looking forward to prom no matter how badly things might go. Its gonna be great either way. WEll gtg bye

Just oneee. But i love them all so mucchh!!! but i guess id have to say the little mermaid because she falls in love with the prince and they are both from two speperte worlds ad find a  way to make it work. true love won in the end and they lived happily ever after. Plus if that charcter was real hed be hottt,. haha what more could a girl askk for.

Too easy.... I would wish to just be happy and content with the way things are and stop stressing over everything. Move out:).

My dream home would have 2 sunroofs. One would be located in the living room to give it a special lighting and another would be in the entrance way. My entrance way would have windows all around it with nice wood window sills. There would be some seating in an area of the entrance way. My Yard would be very big and have fancing all aorund with a in ground pool, a trampelein and a teether ball. There would be a bush behind the fance so that the kids could go exploring and i would have a nice big garage with nice wrokshops. In my living room i would have windows all in front and theere would be nice wooden squares theough the wall that would allow you to look in form the kitchen to the living room. In the ki8ctehn there would be a nice bar table with stools. I would have nice expensive black wood furniture. My house would have 3 bedrooms and the master would have a jecusy in the bathroom. The jecusy would be higher off the grouind but would not be sepreated from the bedroom completely there would be a wall that only lead up to the to jecusy. I would be able to see tyhe jecusy form the bed :). I would also have a large bathroom that would be the main focus. It would have nice lights above the jecusy tub that would have different settings. There would be to sinks with mirrors above them and a nice shower with seats and stuff also. All the supplies used would be expensive and top notch :) I would also have a roof top balcany type thing:). With a barbecue set and chairs.. Ugh:)


This is just an idea of what my dream house would be lol

Been sick lately. Schools almost over cant wait:) Whoot. Tired a lot been sleeping like 12 hours everynight and with naps too. its been very slck. lol well not to much to talk bout so im gonna go now. nothing much to be excited about and im sleepy.

So Im surprisingly really happy right now. I dont know why either. I think everything has just sorted itself even though it actually hasnt i just feel content. I dont want anything to change. I want everything to stay the same as today. Its been great. I dont know why i feel this way but i like it:). Im back at home now too. Jodie saw me and braydne walking after we walked the nature trail and asked me to come back so i did. And here i am . Me and brayden are happier than ever, i had a break from school, and everything else just doesnt matter. I thought this weekend would suck. And truthfully it will becaus ei have 0 to do. Brayden works most of the time. It doenst bug me though beacuse im just so happy and having time to myslef may be a good thing. It doenst give a chance for anything to go wrong really. :). Hmm, I dunno. I wish this weekend would have turned out differently but im probaly better off this way .. haha

UGH :D

 How strong do you think I am?

So today hasnt been too bad.. No school so thats automaticlly awesome.lol. I skipep cus of my glasses and stuff. I did some errands with Jodie from 12:30 till 4:30 it was definitly an adventure .. I liek dit thoguh we talked abotu liek evrything... now she sees things my way a little cleearer. It was nice. Hmm. Yup so nto much to talk about. Oh and yesterday at shcool i totally qworte an Lj and right when i went to post it they blocked he damn site. I  am so depressed good thing school almost over. because they jkust blocked my biggest motivation to go to school. Its so retarded how strict they are.. Do they realise if we can listen to music and stuff, we actaully are more likely to attend school and do work.. iLike Grr. lol anyway i shall get going. Toodel:)

Fuck i cant see wshit.. and im bored as fuck and i dont knwo what the hell to do with my life... :@

 Fucking funn shit. I bought the fucking creepiest clown ever. Teerrifying face. Haha ugh i hate clowns make me cringe. But hey des ahd th only other possible choice and i didnt want to get the same one as her. Ogh andi got myface painted fucki look cool hahah. It was super fun too. Fucking wicked thing went on. I liek dit very much so. their were points were  i was scared too look thinking omeone was definitly going to die ahah. it was a blast definitly worth 10$.
 

I suppose you think that I’m so flattered to hear, That I’m a whispered conscience in your ear, Well nothings ever that black and white my dear(8)

So basically, i'm gonna fail Art. Can't do it. Iv'e been trying it's just not working. I'm not an artist.. I cant paint i thought it was just an easy credit you know. Guess i was wrong on that. I'm so close to graduatign too it fuckign kills me. I rly want to finish and graduate this year. Its sooo close. I hate this. I was so excited and evrything and now im basically fucked. I hate mrs. kanski not to mention everyday she kicks me out for tlking back. I wuoldnt talk back to you if youd stop being such a bitch lol. Ugh. Stressing balls. Then there are all the choices i have.. Do i move this year.. do i stay and tie up all the loose ends. Do i stay just for a semester.. do i not.. like what the hell do  i do.. And what if i do decide to wait another semester will i still have the choices i do now or would i be to late. I just wish thinsg were easier. Like if i stayed an extra semester i could finish that one credit you know.. and nto worry sop much now.. and i could get my license and have a job and sav money. It would work so well. I wish i had a lwider time frame you know. Fuck im soo scared...

Fate... Hah. Such B.S.