Brooke off of one tree hill. Ive always loved her for some reason. I'm not sure exactly what she would tell me all i know is she would come up with something clever and caring. Exactly what someone needs in any situation of doubt or sadness. I like her because she starts off as such a slutty person who is a really good friend, goes for the bad boy gets hurt gets payback and the she just grows up. Love her job and shes just idk so strong when it comes to relationships and everyday problems and i just wish i could be that strong. Not to mention shes gorgeous.!

Im not sure what to talk about rly. Last night me and amy took a million cabs all over the place, and yet we did liek nothing lol. Umm my moms coming do0wn for xmas soon which shall be interesting and so is des which will be awesome cus i ever get to see her. WE might go ad get our tattoos done together which will def do alot of cheering up on my side. I'm gonna go now though cus dont feel like writing lol.

p.s. Me + Ryann :)

Long time no write lol. I dont have much to say, but im bored and waiting to go to work. I called a few people but nobody seems to be around. This weeekend sortah blows. Nothing special really going on. Ive been sick for like the pastr month which severely sucks. I think i'm finally starting to get a bit better though. Fingers crossed. Ugh I have so much i need to do. Go to ELSS and talk to mr.young bout my college applications, grab some groceries, Clean bingo, shop for a secret santa gift for our family thing. lol. Plus then there are presents for the family. So there goes all my savings. There were a few other things i needed to do but i cant remember at the moment. I rly need to do laundry its horrible. Im actually thinking of throwing a load in right now even if i dont have time to finish it someone will just throw it all on my bed anyway haha. My room is a pig sty and i really want to clean it i just cant get the motivation to. Im looking forward to the holiday break, hopefully everything goes well. Sortah afraud i wont be wanted there but oh well haha :).

So i;'m an idiot, i was supposed to egt up this mornign and go to foodland asnd hand in my resume because i met the boss already ajnd everything but i ended up sleeping in till like 4pm. Which kinda makes me very unrelaible for him lol. I dont know. I'm not even really sure if i want another job. Imean i need the money for college and shit, but i just dont think i feel like it right now:P its pathetic i know. I just i already hve a hard enough time with my job now and i barely work lol. Nights also woerks quite well for me except the fact that i absolutely hate it cus it goes by slower. Anyway i keep forgettign that im supposed to go to ELSS to talk to mr.young and get my college applications. Im very nervous about it, but i should definitly get there soon. I was supposed to go last week. and i work all this week which sucks. Im not even sure where i want to go. Its all so uindecided. Thats basuically my life right there undecided. im sucha nervous person always afraid to do the wriong thing or regret making choices. Its just so much easire to stay in the dark. I rly ned to learn tto deal with shit instead of makign all the easy choices. It doesnt exactly make mjy life any less complicated. I keep sayign i wasnt to be an estheticain and i rreally do but it feels so, idk. Insignificant. My sister is gonna eba teadcher my other sister is going for denjtist assistant. It makes me sound so pathetic. And what if i dont succeed in this area then im back to square one. And im really not a smart person. At all. :(. Well i dont know anyway, ehnoguh complainuing abotu that shizz. This weekend was interesting lol, Very tiresome. but good news is no matter how retarded it startfged out, i had fun lol. Right now im at braydens i came here yesterday afternoon, and im nto exactly sure if i wabnt to stay. I feel very in the way all the time. You know?. Not to mention im bored and hungry. lol. I get to go on his computer sure, but i cant stream videos liek i can at hoem ebacsuye hes playign online xbox so uit makes him lagg. Gah. Im freezing too. Last night i was all upset with him so i put two chairs toegther and slept on them i have to say inot very comfortable, but i was stubborn and bitchy lmoa. It happens. Hmm,well im gonna go now, lie down or soemthing.

Everything sucks. Basically about all i have to say.

I think id do like everyone on my shows hahaha

Shows:
Logan, Dick, Beaver, Eli, and Bronson <3   - from veronica mars
Dean Winchester - Supernatural
Luke, Dean, Christopher, Logan, Jess(milo ventimiglia)<3 - Gilmore Girls.
Peter(Milo ventimiglia) -Heroes
Nate - Gossip girl
Bill, Sam, jason stackhouse.-True blood
Henry - Blood Ties
Dexter - Dexter
Lucas, Nathan, Tim, Jake, Julian, and chase- One tree hill
Nick, Eddie  - October Road
House, Dr. Wilson, Dr.Chase. - House
Navid, ethan, Liam, and Jasper- 90210
Peter Bishop - Fringe
Pacey, Drue, Charlie, C.J., Prof.Wilder, - Dawsons creek
Sam oliver, Sock, Steve, and Tony - The reaper
Topher - Dollhouse
Stefan, Damon, Matt, and Jeremy - Vampire Diaries
Lex, Jason,  -Smallville
Ryan, Seth, Oliver, Trey  - The O.c.
Angelus, Spike, Riley Finn<3, Oz, Parker, - Buffy
Angelus obvi, Lorne, Wesley, Connor, Lindsey and doyle. - Angel
Leo, Cole, Chris,Wyatt, Kyle, Andy, Dan, jason, Zancou, Coop, Leslie, and Drake <3 - Charmed
Brendan, and David - Beverly hills 90210
Seeley, and zack addey - Bones           
Kyle - 8 simple rules
Vince - what i like about you
Van - Reba
henry up until he kills everyone lol, Cal, christopher, Jimmy, and J.D. is lovvveee<3. - Harpers island

Movies:
Brian O'connor, Dominic Toretto - Fast and the Furious.
Henry, and Ian - What a girl wants
Andrew - the proposal
Patrick and cameron - 10 things i hate about you
Jay, and kiwi - raise your voice
Sean - a man apart
Joey Parker - another cinderella story
Jack and Cal - titanic
B-Rabbit - 8 mile
Ben - How to lose a guy in ten days

Books
Heath, Damien, Erik,  - House of knight series

only 107 people haha. that i can remember:P  know there are more books but i cant remmeber them lol.

I alwasy forgive. Its actually one of my really big downfalls. I dont rly hold grudges. especially becaus eive made my share of mistakes and it helps me understnd that other people go through stuff too and that just because osmeone doe sosmethign to hurt you doesnt always mean the worst. They coudl just be in a bad situation or not in their right mind. The longest ive stayed angry at someone would probaly be liek a week. lol. No even haha.  Peoeple win myh friendship back just by sayign hi and ask me hang out. 

Hey, Not to much to talk about. Well there is. alot. I just sortah.. cant lol. I have to work in two hours which totally sucks. But im makig some money at least:). I want to go outta town soon to go shopping. I need clothes. Im nto gonna spend too mcuh though becaus ei need to save my money for college. :(. Such a drag, but im still excited for college. Like SUPER excited. lol. Nervous too but ill survive. :). I work tonight and tommorow night till 2:00am.:(. Sadness lol. Soo late. Haha. I feel like such a noob at my new job. Its sad. Im hoping to get more used to it, but liek its all guys and such which makes it odd for me to be the only girl. That and im such a shy person. lol. hmm, idk. Theres so much to taK ABOUT , yet nothing rly to say. :(. Hmm, Well i shall go shower and such got to get rdyyy.

Im not sure of what to do anymore. I'm trying everything to keep both parts of my life, with adjustments obviously, but it doesnt seem possible. I try anyway though, never give up. Even outside of that though, i'm still havign issues, because no matter what i give up or do for him, i never get the same amount of love back. I base everything i do basically on him, but for me its like im the one who has to work around a schedule, which is fine. But then when i get to hang out with my friends, its a big deal. Yeah my ex is there, but lately ive been a complete bitch to him, which is uncool and i dont want to be that person towards anyone. Nobody should even want me to treat anyone like that no matter who they are, especially if that person hasnt done anything wrong. Here i am though doing that so i can be with him. I try to make him happy, i do everything i can. I always g to his place, i do a shitload of work to fid rides there and back, i do whatever it takes. But when it comes to my place hes only been here like 15 times, and all he does is well not want to be here. I get the fact that yeah you are here but it doesnt matter if your gonna complain about it the entire time, or try to find out when your leaving and trying your best to make it early. Thats horrible. Like do it for me and shut up, that would mean something. I think id prefer not coming over, then coming over and complaining. I know on my birthday it wasnt like that, i guess, It just really felt like it. I still love him, and im not saying this means anything, its just how im feeling. Very unappreciated. I dont know. What i do know is things have been a lot better between us, cause i dont make a fuss about anything and hes been wantign to see me more. I just wish he could do things i want to do. Without making it unenjoyable for the both of us. Anyway its just happy but hard times for me i guess. Well toodles.

I had  a happy birthday more or less. It was a pain, but im still happy. I liked it. Got to hang with my friends and such. My hottopic order came in:) So happyness. I have to work tonight though which sucks. I had to have thanksgiving for lunch today which totally sucked. :p, Anyway i odn trly have anythign to talk about. So happy belated birthday to moi!:D

p.s. have the worst cold ever

So, i had my second shift today. It actually isnt so bad wakign up at 4 am. The only problem i have is that once im done work its only 1pm and there s nothing left for me to do so i sit and i wait bored outta my mind. Thing is though is now im used to the mornign shift so im kinda sa they are changing it, but ill deal. :). Had a hard days work today thats for sure, yesterday was worse though but only because my shoes cut my feet up to shit. I need to brak them in but they are steel plated and steel toed which makes me think they will never be broken in. Which means a whole lot of ouch lol. Im finally making money thoiugh which is sweet. Cant wait for my first paycheck even though all the money from it will bascially be gone. My birth control patch costs me 31.80 every month whish is just fucking retarded. Yet you can buy 3 months worth for 70.80. Which sucks becaus ei dont thav ethat much at one time so i buy them seperately so technically in the end it costs me like 97$ to buy them seperate for 3 months. Such a Rip. So my uncle died 2 nights ago from MS. It's really sad. My family is all comgin down for the service next week. The service is gonna be weird because were holdign two of them at the same time. We've decided to bury my mama's ashes. We dont like how she was jut cremated. so yeah iutll be odd. Not to mention she died like 6 years ago and now were havign her service lol. Hmm so, jodie and al are basically gonna buy everything on my list of online wanting stuff, which means thats no problem for money, except im gonn apicth thm like 30$ just to make sure they get everything on my list haha.  Jodie wanyts to pick and choose but since im only gettign one order every like year, i want the entire list. How greedy am i lol.:P. And then my mom is buying me my bedset that i asked for. then the 100$ i have to pay al to get the ps3 im going to get from my like 8 year old savigns bond. Then binstead of me spending like 300$ for a new monitor brayden might sell me his for like 100$. Which works. :). If he doe sthat that is.:(. Then my paycheck so far for cleanign bingo is a good 60$ and im cleaning tommorow which will bring it to, 72.50 i beleive which would go towards the monitor This wayt it dpesnt feel like im losing my entire check that im getting:)  Yippeee. I also might be selling my cellphone to amy for 50$. If she still wants it. I thought since she ndeeds one and i no longer use mine iuts kinda  a waste to just let it sit there forever. Gah. Money is such a bitch I realise thats basically all ive talked about. I think its because its frewakin me out how much money everything is, so i need to clarify that ill have money left over. lol. To many things i want/ need. Not to mention ive been broke for liek a year now, so my wants are a little piled up. My job only lasts till december so i rly need to try and hold on to my money. Anywho thats basically all thats going on in my life. :). Tired as hell, might go take a nap soon. lmao. Toodles.

p.s. If my dp is always  colors rule its becase ive realiused that every dp i have loaded on this site are all extremely depressing lmao. This is the happiest one i got haha. :P not to mention im lazy.

 So tommorow i have orientation for my new job :). Im more nervous then i am excited but it'll be nice to have money finally. I'm not starting till october 1st though. Thats good enough for me :). I cant wait to start beign able to buy some things and then save for college. Cant wait for college im sooooo excited for that. My birthday is also coming up soon which is puurty cool. Presents!! :) haha. Although not as great as when yoru younger an dyou get like a million presents and you dont knwo what they are. I basically alerady know what im getting but still. Nice to have soemthign to celebrate. Then we have halloween my favourute holiday ever and i have no reasion to dress up:( Makes me veryy veryy sad. I wonder how many times i can clean bingo before u start my new job it'd be nice tohave that little extra money on the side. Not to mention Ps3 will be minnne soonn :D Whoot. Yay. lol. Probably going to buy a monitor with my first paycheck. Then my save up for my t.v. and then save for college and clothes and such of course.:) . Hmm well other than that i dont have much to say except done babysittting :) such a releif whoot. happyness. it wasnt so bad but im also glad its over. Hmm. well toodles. 

Scratch my previous post, the whole happy thing. Should've known that wouldnt last. Just takes a few words to tear it all apart all over again.

Hey, been a while since ive written. So it's been okay couple of weeks. Ups and downs but im definitly coping way better then i ever have before. Im not really sure why i think its just because ive realised it is just time to grow up. Not everything is the end of the world, especially if i get into college next year. I think i just needed something to look forward to and keep my mind off of things. I'm still not positive what school i want to go to, i'm looking at a few of them. Ive decided that if my first choice of living with my friend doesnt work out that i may just move into residence, you know get that whole college experience plus it'll make it easier to meet people which would be good for me. Ive seen my sisters and they never really got to make manyt friends andstuff because they lived off campus. It will be costly but i'll manage. Thats if my first choice doesnt pan out. So its almost 1 .. just another 6 hours to wait to chill with my friends haha, sooooo long lmao. Ive been spending more time out of my room also. More time around family and stuff, even though they arent my real family, its much batter then my blood relatives. its nice. Most of the time anyway. But thats  more normal than my life was before. I like it. I t kinda makes me want to stay longer but at the same time i feel like its what is makign me want to go, because i feel older now, i feel like im ready for it and its because of them. I think that if i would have had family aorudn in the first place and it was more liek it is now i would have figured this out much earlier. I m way happier than ive ever been, so :). Took a while to get here but it just mkes me want to know whats out there. I can take it. It'll be nice to finally have a real home to come back to. I dont remember the last time i stayed in one place this long. Its definitly happy making. Ive gotten tired of the moving. even though ina year ill be moving again, i wont really be. Ill just be going away for a while, but my family will still be here unlike before. Before i didnt have much to come back to except al and i mean, we never really talked that much back then so i didnt rly see the point, because it would have been weird. No matter how much i love him, it just idk. I'm remembering the weekend i came back to visit and i realise i didnt rly spend much time with my family. I came down went out with my friends slept out then had some kind of holiday dinner with the fam and met jodie and them, came over to her house to watch a movie and then hugn out with my friends and left the next morning. Hmm anyway enough down memory lane haha.  Im gonna go ..., shower or soemthing ismell like ass. hah.


P.s.  People where are you, start writing im so lonely i need to read some posts. :)

This weekend has been alright. Last niht I hung out withbsome friends which was nice cud it's been a while. I got a little drunk but all was fine. Right now I'm outside with David and courtney at a fire braydens somewhere doing something. I'm fly tired though cud I think I might have caught sonsthing not to mention jodie was sick too. I just want to go to bed lol. I definitly don't fit in with this group I don't know any of the people they talk about or anything so I have no clue what to say. I'm way to used to my crowd of friends u know? They may be weird but they are easy to talk to and getvalong with and when people burn eachother it's less idk intense for the person being made fun of. It just makes all of us laugh I likevthat. Hmm I dunno. So my stepdad has let me drive alot more lately which is cool. Hmm so I'm thinking of applying for second semester of college. That or filing back to highschool for a few credits. Grrawl. Well I shall get back to just sitting here in silence LOL this itouch isbprobly gonna die soon.

Hey so I'm at braydens still. I've stayed here every night since I've been back from Kitchener. I am having so much trouble trying to go home. I don't know why I can't for some reason. I think when I go away I'm afraid to go home because it no longer feels like home to me. Of course Al will always be known to me as my father but he has a new family now and I'm not quite sure where I fit in with all that. I'm not sure when I'll go home or if I will ever feel happy there. Anyway on a better note I think things with Brayden have been better even though I geek guilt evwreytime Im with him. I deserve that though. I don't know LOL. Last night I made a complete ass of myself. I mean there is ntothing sexier than a girl tryig to be desireable and then throwing up. Not one of my finest moments. I have to say I am glad to be here. But I still can't stop thinking bout missing my friends. I'm fine with it until he starts talking to his friends or about them cause I realize I have no one to talk to anymore or new fun weekends and stuff. I will deal though because I got to. Not everythnng is so grim though just sounds it LOL well anyway I will go now. Basically just woke up and Brayden is off at 10 :)

so glad to be home. Its deifnitly a releif. Im really tired though and would like to get soem sleep but if i do then ill have to shower and stuff all over again ebacsue ill be all nasty and i dont want to be since im seeing brayden tonight.  Last night i never went to sleep i stayed up till 6am when i wokr up my mom and made them get ready we packed and left. I thought id be able to sleep in the car but apparently i have a little sister who is a pain in the ass sometimes. Wouldnt stop compleining abotu everything and wouldnt allow me to have peace. It was fuckign stressful nto to mention how tiered i was made it worse. Then i got to town around 4ish had a few beers with al and the fam while him jodie and my aunt mylene and her boyfirned mike played cards. Then my mom came to pick me up at home so i could do some last minute errands for tonight :) Now im at my sisters just waiting to get ready for braydnes house but he will not be down work till midnight. Hopefully he gets off early though. I have a feelign he wont be.  Just another 3 and half hours until 11 when ill be going over there.  Hmm well not really sure what else to say except im fuckign starving. So its been funn. 

P.s. my nephew go tthe best presnt for his brithday . A corvette. its so cute but was probbly expensive as fuck. It actually has a rdaio and an mp3 jack and can honk and set an alarm that when someone touches teh vehicle it says a'police step away from the vehicle". He can steer it himself and do the gas and break. Its too cute. :)

Going home in 3 days and i cant waiit. I miss it alot. It's been dramatic but fun. Today my aunt ame to visit which was cool I went and got grad photos professionally done since i missed ettign them at school which is cool. I like them. Well. I don't have much to say. Lifes been definitly complicated, but at least this way i can finally just move forward. I'm not sure whats gonna happen and i knowthere are many tears left to come before things even possibly start to get better. Well  Much love everyone i hope your summer is going better than mine is :)

8b days till im back in elliot. WHooot!. Wish it would go by faster though.
Yesterday i went to niagra falls, did a bunch of fun stuff:). Even took a boat all the way up to the falls, I ggot soaked. lol We went to the wax museum and on the skywheel and did some othe fun stuff:). Well later :)